[ apparently that idea of enjoying bought luxuries goes over Childe's head with the innocently blank expression that follows (but no, it's not exactly that so much as he well recalls buying thing after thing for Zhongli, and always finding it plenty worth it by watching the other enjoy them. Zhongli was certainly true to his words. Thinking a moment on it, he does go to turn around as asked mostly aware that the other seems to want to... cater to him. Zhongli really... remembers nothing about what happened between them. Would he be so content to stay with Childe, be in even such an intimate position with him as now? A part of him feels the time of guilt for pretending like it never happened, but it's obvious already he can't simply dump information into Zhongli and have him easily retain it all and simply remember. If anything, him trying to remember only seemed to hurt him physically. But that child should care about the other's physical well being, but it's obvious he does feel something there that doesn't want to see Zhongli hurt like this.
( "How can you ask that of me with such a sincere expression after what just happened at the bank? Do I really so easily fall into your web that you are confident I'll still be strung along?!" )
With his face away from Zhongli, his expression falls. Zhongli remembers none of that, and he's so different than what Childe would expect even with the other remembering only good times between them. Some things should be ingrained in muscle memory that feel habitual, though, right? Shouldn't Zhongli instinctively know there's at least something about Childe that signals he should want nothing to do with him? Why would catering him like wanting to bathe him feel natural to the once geo-archon?
Not that Zhongli never did such a thing back then, but that was ... different back then.
—He'd gone and turned so much more self-destructive after abruptly losing all contact with Zhongli. He went and did things that make him roll his eyes now at how stupid he had been all in an emotional tirade and subconscious desire to get back at the other. Since he couldn't harm the other, then harming himself because of Zhongli's actions would surely do the trick wouldn't it? (How ridiculous for him in an emotionally immature response to default to that all over the other playing him by pretending he cared when the only way Zhongli would even bat an eye to such would be if he cared to some degree?)
It's not as if he ever went through with throwing it in Zhongli's face, either. Perhaps he was too embarrassed by his actions to try and put into what so easily seemed like a good idea at the time. Alcohol makes everything easier to just do rather than consider. . After all, it wasn't hard in the underbelly of Liyue to find those all too willing to take advantage of someone like him looking to violate himself in an attempt to get back at his... whatever Zhongli had been to him back then. it didn't seem to make sense and bother trying to figure out exactly what that was when it didn't matter.
(He remembers the day he was leaving for Snezhnaya, having been called back to start searching for the Balladeer and fully intending to make a stop to see Zhongli one last time. To see if he could get something out of that expression that was a hint of ...anything if he saw the violent bruising in the form of fingers and nails wrapped about his throat. )
He feels it again... the same feeling of self-disgust back then that caused him to wear his scarf differently and pull the jacket collar of his uniform up to hide his neck as he left for Liyue's docks without so much as meeting a glance of the individuals he passed on by. Everything felt so worthless. That ride back had been unusually quiet as he sulked in private the majority of the time. Throwing himself back into his missions like he always had done at least cured that ailment.
Enjoying luxuries were meant for people who believed themselves worth pampering, anyway, right? Childe had at least stopped that behavior finally years ago ( even if he still had moments where the need to do it all over again, being self-aware of how much it would break his pride afterwards the one thing holding him back from slipping. He always regretted it the next morning, but he also silently appreciated that each time it happened it drew him further and further away from ever believing happiness could lie in the interactions of a partnership that included such intimacy.
What a sham such things were. Maybe others could pretend that was the case, but a Childe called the hard reality if only do he could never make the same mistake with anyone ever again. (not that there was ever anyone else.)
Surely Zhongli with no memory and acting so naturally attached is Celestia's cruel way to further dig the knife in that he will never be accepted as a child of the Seven no matter how much her Majesty doted on him. That even for her, he would always be a means to an end, a sacrifice worth offering.
(That's the best that it gets in his cast lot for such things, after all.
The fact the one individual that made him think even for a moment that he could find happiness by simply being with another and sharing days together is now amnesic with it most likely signaling death is close behind. How long would that be for Zhongli though? Years, decades, centuries? )
A small sigh will escape the harbinger in defeat. Perhaps the only option for him, too, is to forget all that stuff himself. ]
Hm, so I'm not letting you go back out today, but is there anything you want to plan for tomorrow? Your choice.
no subject
( "How can you ask that of me with such a sincere expression after what just happened at the bank? Do I really so easily fall into your web that you are confident I'll still be strung along?!" )
With his face away from Zhongli, his expression falls. Zhongli remembers none of that, and he's so different than what Childe would expect even with the other remembering only good times between them. Some things should be ingrained in muscle memory that feel habitual, though, right? Shouldn't Zhongli instinctively know there's at least something about Childe that signals he should want nothing to do with him? Why would catering him like wanting to bathe him feel natural to the once geo-archon?
Not that Zhongli never did such a thing back then, but that was ... different back then.
—He'd gone and turned so much more self-destructive after abruptly losing all contact with Zhongli. He went and did things that make him roll his eyes now at how stupid he had been all in an emotional tirade and subconscious desire to get back at the other. Since he couldn't harm the other, then harming himself because of Zhongli's actions would surely do the trick wouldn't it? (How ridiculous for him in an emotionally immature response to default to that all over the other playing him by pretending he cared when the only way Zhongli would even bat an eye to such would be if he cared to some degree?)
It's not as if he ever went through with throwing it in Zhongli's face, either. Perhaps he was too embarrassed by his actions to try and put into what so easily seemed like a good idea at the time. Alcohol makes everything easier to just do rather than consider. . After all, it wasn't hard in the underbelly of Liyue to find those all too willing to take advantage of someone like him looking to violate himself in an attempt to get back at his... whatever Zhongli had been to him back then. it didn't seem to make sense and bother trying to figure out exactly what that was when it didn't matter.
(He remembers the day he was leaving for Snezhnaya, having been called back to start searching for the Balladeer and fully intending to make a stop to see Zhongli one last time. To see if he could get something out of that expression that was a hint of ...anything if he saw the violent bruising in the form of fingers and nails wrapped about his throat. )
He feels it again... the same feeling of self-disgust back then that caused him to wear his scarf differently and pull the jacket collar of his uniform up to hide his neck as he left for Liyue's docks without so much as meeting a glance of the individuals he passed on by. Everything felt so worthless. That ride back had been unusually quiet as he sulked in private the majority of the time. Throwing himself back into his missions like he always had done at least cured that ailment.
Enjoying luxuries were meant for people who believed themselves worth pampering, anyway, right? Childe had at least stopped that behavior finally years ago ( even if he still had moments where the need to do it all over again, being self-aware of how much it would break his pride afterwards the one thing holding him back from slipping. He always regretted it the next morning, but he also silently appreciated that each time it happened it drew him further and further away from ever believing happiness could lie in the interactions of a partnership that included such intimacy.
What a sham such things were. Maybe others could pretend that was the case, but a Childe called the hard reality if only do he could never make the same mistake with anyone ever again. (not that there was ever anyone else.)
Surely Zhongli with no memory and acting so naturally attached is Celestia's cruel way to further dig the knife in that he will never be accepted as a child of the Seven no matter how much her Majesty doted on him. That even for her, he would always be a means to an end, a sacrifice worth offering.
(That's the best that it gets in his cast lot for such things, after all.
The fact the one individual that made him think even for a moment that he could find happiness by simply being with another and sharing days together is now amnesic with it most likely signaling death is close behind. How long would that be for Zhongli though? Years, decades, centuries? )
A small sigh will escape the harbinger in defeat. Perhaps the only option for him, too, is to forget all that stuff himself. ]
Hm, so I'm not letting you go back out today, but is there anything you want to plan for tomorrow? Your choice.