hydrangeabloom | Forever and again

[

This Ajax would say that he indeed doesn't deserve any of those opportunities. He has long lost any hope of having a life where he can do anything a normal human can do.

Enjoying life, making friends, living as one wishes to rather than as the world tells him he must be; those are things he once fought for and believed were possible if he didn't give up on himself. But, he had underestimated the power of the Abyss, both literally and simply in name. No one wanted anything to do with him, and Ajax had finally learned he couldn't blame them, any longer. It was easier to accept, because when death came he could be happy about it rather than in despair of what and who he was leaving behind. The way Morax talks is nice, but all Ajax hears is that the other speaks as if he has any life left to live. He's at the end of his rope, facing such dangers and being killed in battle would be a blessing than what awaits him. And he's damned one way or another. If they were able to remove it, he'll die most likely. If they don't, he'll die most certainly.

He's a coward to hide in Liyue, isn't he, rather than face what's coming?

(No, no. It's not that, a small part stubbornly denies. I just want to die where I have been loved before. I want to die in my home, even if all alone. I want to be at home for the remaining days I have left.)

When was he ever loved in this place, he doesn't know, but he doesn't bother to question it any more. It's too late to question and find answers to such things.

It's not very long, afterall. A year at best. But most likely only three to six more months if his memory of the experiment and the Abyss Flower's maturity process are accurate.

Afterall... being useful is the best be can hope for, and the geo archon seems to be one of the better entities to be useful to, if allowed.

Nevertheless—

• • •
Ajax hums gently in thought, before questioning as if in surprise: ]

Oh, you think so? So you are saying you smile a lot when not doing work and are off with others? I guess that does lower the value a little bit.

—But, I still haven't seen it much at all myself; so if I say you need to do it around me, that makes it more equal. Problem solved, yeah?

[ he smiles like it's such an easy thing to do before lowering his head a little, speaking more softly—just to make sure the geo archon doesn't think he's depriving himself of something else he wants more. (There is... something else, but he knows the archon can't offer it, so why or the burden on him by even asking?) ]

Yes, I'm sure this is what I want. This is one of the only ways I will ever get to see someone smile around me. If I can see you smile, then that's more than enough for me to be happy with the "pay."

Edited 2024-02-14 23:54 (UTC)

[ There's a lot to unpack in those statements. Why would a man on the run care about seeing a smile from the Geo Archon of all people? Certainly there are more valuable things that Rex Lapis can offer in trade.

As for this being the only way people would smile around him—

(Morax's thoughts are once again drawn back to Ajax. The man with no home and nowhere to return to. Perhaps for those very same reasons, did he enjoy Morax's smiles...?) ]

Very well. Then if that is what you wish to accept in trade. Know that you may re-negotiate your side of the contract at any time.

[ And know that Rex Lapis would pay the man in other ways to compensate for his efforts. He thinks of the small set of meager possessions that Ajax keeps here, just the bare necessities for living.

Yes.

Yes, there was definitely more that Rex Lapis could offer. He offers his hand, eyes glowing a faint gold as he waits for the other man to take it. ]

Then let this contract be set in stone.

Thank you for indulging a strange request~.

[ he says simply in reply before reaching out to take his hand. Ajax seems very content with this outcome, so it's not very clear if he'll be doing any renegotiating of contracts in terms of what he gets out of it.

After a moment, he'll p tilt his head. ]

We good now? Or do I need to do something else for this contract?

How restless are you, young warrior?

[ He pulls his hand back finally, settling them carefully in his lap as he considers Ajax's condition. He's still recovering from his injuries, and on occasion, Rex Lapis will see petals and stems escape from his throat as the mysterious illness persists. But nothing dire. Nothing that would certainly keep him from acting upon the contract immediately. ]

If you would like to embark on a trial hunt, there are always creatures that need slaying.

[ Liyue did attract such creatures after all. Those that held resentment for Morax specifically and those that were just mindless beings of hate and rage looking for something to inflict their anger upon. ]

I could accompany you to one whenever you are ready.

[ Perhaps the Archon was being overly cautious, but now that this man was contractually under the umbrella of his protection, he no longer had to feel reserved about offering his protection and guidance. And it would seem that for the moment, this lost soul needed both. ]

[ The young man's head tilts to one side, him looking surprised in a very innocent and unexpected type way. Despite being from the Abyss and battle hardened with a lot of weight on his shoulders that seems to constantly threaten to drag him downward, his reaction to Morax's offer is incredibly naive and pure.

The end of his mouth tilt upwards as he goes to speak, a hopeful smile that he can't quite control spreading across his face. ]

Huh? You really want to come along?

[ he doesn't quite get to saying yes let's go, but it's embarrassingly obvious that this idea of the geo archon joining him has him sincerely feeling a reserved sense of happiness. ]

[ Ajax might be a little disappointed then regarding Rex Lapis's reasoning for accompanying him. And Rex Lapis is too honest in his youth to provide Ajax with anything other than the full reasoning for his behavior. ]

You embark on this task for the sake of the people of Liyue. Therefore, Liyue will offer you its protection in turn.

While we have done our best to heal your wounds and afflictions, our knowledge of those touched by the Abyss is limited at best. And you are still plagued by the flowers which only further complicates your recovery. It would be irresponsible to send you out to tackle a dangerous foe without first ensuring that there are no lingering affects from your injuries.

Thus, I will go with you until we can confirm that you are well enough to handle such missions on your own.

And know that if you ever need assistance, you may always call upon my name, and I will come to you.

[ DISAPPOINTED DOESN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT.

WOW. ]

[ —oh well, what the fuck ever. So what if those are the reasons, what else was he actually expecting?

Nothing, that's what. Company is better than no company, even if it's only present because they think he needs to be babysat because of his injuries.

The emotion drains from his face, but there's no surprise lingering as he had misunderstood even though he probably did for a second. (Not a huge misunderstanding, but maybe a little— maybe thinking Morax was just trying to be a little friendlier to him or something. Not really so that much different, just a little bit.)

Instead of say anything, he simply nods, going to use his free hand to push himself up from the ground to stand and stretch with his side turned towards the geo archon now as he does, all while keeping hold of the new weapon in his other hand. ]

[ he turns back to Morax after a moment, his face no longer a complete void. He even has a pleasant enough expression that he hopes shows his gratitude for the time Rex Lapis is taking to go with him. He restrains himself from getting particularly excited about the new mission and keeping his body language in check. He'll have plenty of stuff to let loose on and burn it up soon enough. ]

Sounds good, Xiansheng. I hope that's the most appropriate honorific to give you. Since I'm not one of your followers or anything.

...well, that and I haven't learned that many words in Liyue since I didn't really plan on ever having an extended stay.

[ he makes no comments about how he's fine and doesn't need to be looked out for. That the Abyss power isn't doing anything he isn't already aware of.

—And unfortunately, everything detrimental to his wellness all has nothing to do with injuries he's received.

Morbid conversations are killjoys, anyway. ]

Anyway, I'm in your hands. Ready when you are~.

[ Xiansheng...

That familiar name said in that familiar voice with that familiar face. Morax knows that something has occurred just now with the fall of the man's expression no matter how at ease he seems currently. But he cannot begin to understand what just happened or if it is a fortunate or unfortunate turn of events.

Guizhong and Ping would both be giving him an earful right now for his blockheaded-ness. He is sure of it.

(Even with Ajax who he thought he knew reasonably well, he could never predict what he would do. If he did, then perhaps—) ]

The honorific is well received. I am not your deity so I do not expect treatment as such as long as the both of us abide by the terms of the contract.

However, — I do not believe I have a name to call you. And from our previous encounter, you mentioned that you had no name.

Is that still the case?

[ Ajax cants his head again, but this time there's nothing indicating he might be surprised as to what he hears. Rather, he is considering both how to answer the question as well as why he is seeking a name. ]

Hah? My actual name? ...Well, I don't think you're going to abuse it like Lumine would if I had given it to her back then, but you honestly can call me whatever you want if it's just you want to call me something. [ which, ironically had been proven to him with Morax's response just moments ago.]

If you want a name to call me, though... it's Ajax.

But almost no one calls me that anymore, so no pressure that you have to remember it and use it, either.

[ The whole world is bathed in silence then as Rex Lapis is frozen to his very core. All light, all color, all sound recede to nothingness save for the bright flame that has always drawn Zhongli in no matter how aware that he is the moth that is most certainly being lead to the flame of his own demise.

Ajax.

Ajax. Ajax.

There are no coincidences in this world. Not like this. Certainly this must be Ajax. His Ajax. Bleeding petals and stems for another. But oh, Zhongli doesn't even care about that. Not really, outside of the fact that it causes Ajax anguish. His Ajax is alive, right in front of his eyes. And Zhongli's heart wants to give him the world. The life that was denied to him before. The happiness.

But the only thing Rex Lapis can offer is his duty. And the only thing he can give him is his protection. Even after so long, nothing has changed. Rex Lapis still has a duty to Liyue that must take precedence over all others. He has no time for a heart and love and a conflict of interest like Ajax.

(That thought alone is enough to cause a burning sensation behind his eyes. So harsh and intense that it takes several blinks to will it away. No, he could not be so selfish as to consider his own pain. Not when Ajax had suffered — is suffering so much already. And not when Morax had so little to offer his dear friend to relieve said pain.) ]

Ajax.

[ For a moment, the bearing and conduct of an Archon are lost, as Morax grants him a smile that is genuine. More sincere than the carefully controlled politeness and correct way of carrying himself. No. This feeling was straight for his heart, warm and full of a piece of him that had been missing every since Ajax left Liyue that day long ago. ]

It is a beautiful name. The name of a proud warrior if I recall correctly.

I would be honored if you would let me address you by it.

[ oh.

It's Ajax's turn to realize something just happened, but he also isn't sure what. Nevertheless, he can't help the strange feeling of warmth in his chest and his cheeks, coloring them pink because no one has ever looked at him that way before. No one has ever said something about him was beautiful (unless in a mocking sort of way, anyway.) He doesn't know what to do with this feeling. Even though he has been hoping for some friendliness moments ago now that he's getting some it's overwhelming. No, no one should be smiling at him like that. Morax must be reminded of someone close to him. That's all. This warmth isn't for him to take advantage of and experience.

Nevertheless, Ajax nods shyly, being a hand to his face as he realizes he must look ridiculous. A long time ago he had instilled in him that there were certain things some people could simply not have because of their existential circumstances. A creature of the Abyss could not be ever seen as anything but a threat to eradicate indiscriminately. An experiment could never experience being their own person. A soldier could never experience peace. An abomination could never experience living because their "life" was constant suffering and being denied the mercy of being allowed to die.

Ajax could never experience companionship of any kind. He would never experience acceptance or what it's like to live a fulfilling life. He'll never experience being wanted or loved. He'd never know what being a human was all about.

(But, still, why can't he just bask in this warmth like the very sun coming from the archon for a small few moments. What harm was there? Even if it really way for someone else. ) ]

I... If you're sure...

[ he embarrassment wanes suddenly, though, grimacing slightly as the very unpleasant heat that he's come to be familiar with starts to burn like acid in his chest. He feels it, then, too, something twisting and piercing as it becomes more difficult to breathe. All he can think is—

I can't get sick right here right now.
He swallows the urge to vomit, breathes through his nose and runs a hand over his face and back through his hair as he stays quiet for a moment, not trusting if he tries to speak now that it won't make his effort in vain.

Miraculously he manages to prevent it for now. a sigh escapes him in relief before he offers an apologetic small smile. ]

Ahem—aheh, sorry. I think that smile of yours was just so radiant I lost myself for a moment there. As expected, you have a really beautiful one. I hope you have more opportunities to show it in the future.

[ Zhongli sees the grimace that Ajax is doing his very best to hide. He can only imagine the kind of pain the other must be enduring, the curse of the flowers on top of the throbbing of his injuries. Unconsciously, he reaches out to him — a hand pressed against his cheek as he swipes his unruly bangs away from the eye patch.

Ah, and where had his dear Ajax lost that?

It seemed no matter the life, hardship and pain always seemed to find him. No rest for the man on the fisherman's boat. None for the traveler looking for power. And now none for the man wreathed in the dark energies of the Abyss.

(Unfair. It was unfair that Ajax was always forced to suffer so.) ]

I am sure, Ajax.

And once we are done here, I would like to take you to a healer proper. If this ailment is caused by experimentation as you say, we may not be able to find the cure for it. But at the very least I would not have you suffer through its symptoms needlessly when relief could be made available.

[ A thumb presses to his cheek, curves under the leather of the eyepatch. He is being much too forward, he knows. But the last time he had held Ajax—

If he were to be taken from him once more, then this time— this time Zhongli did not want it to be with any regrets. ]

Do you have any objections to that?

[ ...Ah. this is all so ... surreal. If he wasn't so stunned by the touch too his face, he would have recommend instinctively due to not every revealing a time someone touched him without intent to harm him or discipline him in some manner.

(And so Ajax further doesn't realize how he leans into the touch looked a starved animal being lured with food.)

Rather than express doubt at the speaking of a healer, he asks curiously. ]

Is there something else or could be that a healer would know how to identify and assist with? [ he can't say he's met many people that had him feel that getting sick coughing up flowers and choking on them was not so unheard of. ...Not that he talks to very many people.]

I haven't really heard of anything like it before, so I just assumed it had to do with that.

Either way, though... I guess not. I'll go with you to the healer.

Perhaps you can enlighten me.

[ And Zhongli finally drops his hand down by his side even those his fingers twitch as if they would like to hold Ajax again. It's improper really. Even if the soul is the same, the memories do not remain. He should not take advantage of someone who obviously grew up in a difficult environment.

It should all be about Ajax's needs, not Morax's own trivial desires. ]

How much do you know about the ailment that plagues you? Or have you been left in the dark regarding it outside of its symptoms?

Ah... no. I just started experiencing those symptoms one day.

[ He shifts uncomfortably, like he doesn't know if it's okay to explain this to the archon, because maybe it will make him backpedal in being kind. At the same time, if he isn't aware,Ajax should warn him, right? It's inevitable that if he stays long enough that the Abyss will become Morax's issue. ]

...The experiment involved an Abyss Flower. But the flower I cough up most is not the petals belonging to that. I just figured because they are both flowers it was related. The scientists involved didn't really seem to care. I don't think it matters to them, unless it provides complications to their research.

[ Zhongli's brow furrows at the information, one hand brought to his chin as he thinks. What possible reason did the people of the Abyss have for studying hanahaki? And why introduce another flower to one who was already suffering from such an ailment? Was there something about the Inazuman disease that he didn't know about? ]

So you were already showing symptoms before the experimentation? Can you describe to me this other flower that plagues you?

[ Initially, Ajax starts to shake his head, but pauses rather quickly as if seemingly realizing something. He doesn't remember much about his health before the experimentation. So he can't actually confirm or deny if there were any symptoms even in very simplistic form, such as a persistent cough. ]

I'm ... not really sure, now that you ask that.

And... you mean describe the Abyss Flower?

[ good for her even begin to explain such a thing? having resigned to never bring able to talk to anyone about it, nevermind give much detail is more holding than he had every imagine it would be should the opportunity to do otherwise ever come up. ]

No, not the Abyss Flower. The other one you mentioned— the one you say that you cough the most petals of. Or perhaps I am misunderstanding your current situation.

. . .

This disease should not be able to be induced through experimentation, even from those as clever and cruel as those that come from the Abyss.

Oh. Uhm, I believe it was called a red spider lily? But I didn't really see anything about that flower saying it was able to cause diseases... but still, I was shown one eventually in person and they do look to be the same petals.

A red spider lily?

[ Zhongli sets himself down in front of Ajax, both in preparation for his lengthy explanation and for what was certain to be Ajax's own numerous questions. ]

There is a rare disease — first recorded in Inazuma and believed to be a derivative of a dendro curse called Hanahaki. Tales tell of a god that fell in love with a mortal but who never revealed their love due to the incompatibilities of both their stations and their lives. As their love grew stronger and the vow of silence tighter, the god began to cough up petals — sakura blossoms — a flower favored by their lover. It is not known what became of the god, the stories do not say.

But since then there have been cases of individuals with flowers growing in their lungs — the only relief being either to find reciprocation of their repressed feelings or having the memory of that person wiped from them completely.

Upon meeting you, I wondered if you might suffer a similar affliction, though it seems the current state of yours might be negatively influenced by other factors.

[ Ajax goes to sit back down now that Morax has and listens quietly. Once the god has finished, the mortal seems perplexed. ]

—But I'm not in love with anyone...

[ surely he would know, right? Otherwise, doesn't that mean he's already forgotten them and so he shouldn't have these issues ...? ]

Hopefully it's not that... since there's no way I could ever get the feelings reciprocated since I don't even know who it is. It's definitely no one I have met before coming here. [ then again, maybe the Abyss enjoys that kind of suffering, even if it's not a disease that originates in the Abyss. Could it be just some mocking perversion of it, then? He wouldn't be surprised considering how it would just drive the nails in deeper.]

What happens if it's not cured? [ not that it matters, but he might as well ask just to confirm his expectations. He assumes it's the same thing as the Abyss flower reaching maturity.

(Death, it's all that's really left for him now. He had expected to live a little longer, but it's not like he's going to miss anything, right? And no one is attached to him, which means no one will suffer from his early end.) ]

Edited (Typos) 2024-02-29 19:39 (UTC)

[ Not in love and yet suffering for what surely must be hanahaki. Of that Rex Lapis is certain. But if its a mutated strain due to the Abyss influence, who knows how much more deadly it might or how much more complicated it might be to cure. ]

While the most common emotion is love, the curse sprouts from repressed and unvoiced emotions. There is no requirement that they must be romantic in nature. So perhaps— it is not that you are in love with someone but there is someone you wish to deepen your bond with, familial or platonic, that causes the flowers to bloom so.

[ And while Morax himself has never heard it be anything other than love, if Ajax does not know who the target of his emotions is then curing it would be difficult indeed. Difficult and cruel. ]

If left untreated, the blooms will eventually spread throughout the lungs and throat and suffocate the afflicted. This process is usually lengthy and painful with herbs and medicines to treat the pain.

The tales say that a subject willingly agreeing to forget all memories of their important person will also cure the illness. However, I do not know how not knowing that person is complicates that treatment.

[ Ajax doesn't look as if any epiphanies are occurring at the alternative suggestions.

The information on what happens if left untreated is unsurprising, but it's only after that, that he opens his mouth hesitantly. It's not because he doesn't trust the other, it's simply because he doesn't like the idea of revealing anything about his past. Still, he feels that he really needs to drive this home just so Rex Lapis doesn't think that there's a sea of possibilities on who the individual is and he simply can't figure out which of them it might be. ]

... My family is dead. And I don't have any friends. I work alone. It's not that I simply don't know who it is —I don't know anyone in general. No one wants to be around someone in my line of work, add the Abyss to it and even those that would not care normally also keep their distance.

[ so unless it's the feelings of just wanting to be loved by someone— anyone?— he has no idea how he could even begin to unravel this mystery.

(... There's someone he wants to meet, though. But he also doesn't know who they are. They are in his dreams, and they are only a shadow, so the truth is that they probably don't exist at all.)

It's frustrating, and the young man lets it show on his expression before sighing and letting it all go along with it. There's no point getting worked up about it, it won't change any of the details; and it's not as if this information has made anything worse than it already was presumed to be. ]

... When I was in a Inazuma, I heard the legend concerning, not the disease, but this flower: that if you cross paths with someone that you'll never meet again, these flowers bloom on the paths you walk together. Do you think that's some kind of irony? That I'll never be able to identify the source because I'll never meet them?

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