hydrangeabloom | Forever and again

[ The whole world is bathed in silence then as Rex Lapis is frozen to his very core. All light, all color, all sound recede to nothingness save for the bright flame that has always drawn Zhongli in no matter how aware that he is the moth that is most certainly being lead to the flame of his own demise.

Ajax.

Ajax. Ajax.

There are no coincidences in this world. Not like this. Certainly this must be Ajax. His Ajax. Bleeding petals and stems for another. But oh, Zhongli doesn't even care about that. Not really, outside of the fact that it causes Ajax anguish. His Ajax is alive, right in front of his eyes. And Zhongli's heart wants to give him the world. The life that was denied to him before. The happiness.

But the only thing Rex Lapis can offer is his duty. And the only thing he can give him is his protection. Even after so long, nothing has changed. Rex Lapis still has a duty to Liyue that must take precedence over all others. He has no time for a heart and love and a conflict of interest like Ajax.

(That thought alone is enough to cause a burning sensation behind his eyes. So harsh and intense that it takes several blinks to will it away. No, he could not be so selfish as to consider his own pain. Not when Ajax had suffered — is suffering so much already. And not when Morax had so little to offer his dear friend to relieve said pain.) ]

Ajax.

[ For a moment, the bearing and conduct of an Archon are lost, as Morax grants him a smile that is genuine. More sincere than the carefully controlled politeness and correct way of carrying himself. No. This feeling was straight for his heart, warm and full of a piece of him that had been missing every since Ajax left Liyue that day long ago. ]

It is a beautiful name. The name of a proud warrior if I recall correctly.

I would be honored if you would let me address you by it.

[ oh.

It's Ajax's turn to realize something just happened, but he also isn't sure what. Nevertheless, he can't help the strange feeling of warmth in his chest and his cheeks, coloring them pink because no one has ever looked at him that way before. No one has ever said something about him was beautiful (unless in a mocking sort of way, anyway.) He doesn't know what to do with this feeling. Even though he has been hoping for some friendliness moments ago now that he's getting some it's overwhelming. No, no one should be smiling at him like that. Morax must be reminded of someone close to him. That's all. This warmth isn't for him to take advantage of and experience.

Nevertheless, Ajax nods shyly, being a hand to his face as he realizes he must look ridiculous. A long time ago he had instilled in him that there were certain things some people could simply not have because of their existential circumstances. A creature of the Abyss could not be ever seen as anything but a threat to eradicate indiscriminately. An experiment could never experience being their own person. A soldier could never experience peace. An abomination could never experience living because their "life" was constant suffering and being denied the mercy of being allowed to die.

Ajax could never experience companionship of any kind. He would never experience acceptance or what it's like to live a fulfilling life. He'll never experience being wanted or loved. He'd never know what being a human was all about.

(But, still, why can't he just bask in this warmth like the very sun coming from the archon for a small few moments. What harm was there? Even if it really way for someone else. ) ]

I... If you're sure...

[ he embarrassment wanes suddenly, though, grimacing slightly as the very unpleasant heat that he's come to be familiar with starts to burn like acid in his chest. He feels it, then, too, something twisting and piercing as it becomes more difficult to breathe. All he can think is—

I can't get sick right here right now.
He swallows the urge to vomit, breathes through his nose and runs a hand over his face and back through his hair as he stays quiet for a moment, not trusting if he tries to speak now that it won't make his effort in vain.

Miraculously he manages to prevent it for now. a sigh escapes him in relief before he offers an apologetic small smile. ]

Ahem—aheh, sorry. I think that smile of yours was just so radiant I lost myself for a moment there. As expected, you have a really beautiful one. I hope you have more opportunities to show it in the future.

[ Zhongli sees the grimace that Ajax is doing his very best to hide. He can only imagine the kind of pain the other must be enduring, the curse of the flowers on top of the throbbing of his injuries. Unconsciously, he reaches out to him — a hand pressed against his cheek as he swipes his unruly bangs away from the eye patch.

Ah, and where had his dear Ajax lost that?

It seemed no matter the life, hardship and pain always seemed to find him. No rest for the man on the fisherman's boat. None for the traveler looking for power. And now none for the man wreathed in the dark energies of the Abyss.

(Unfair. It was unfair that Ajax was always forced to suffer so.) ]

I am sure, Ajax.

And once we are done here, I would like to take you to a healer proper. If this ailment is caused by experimentation as you say, we may not be able to find the cure for it. But at the very least I would not have you suffer through its symptoms needlessly when relief could be made available.

[ A thumb presses to his cheek, curves under the leather of the eyepatch. He is being much too forward, he knows. But the last time he had held Ajax—

If he were to be taken from him once more, then this time— this time Zhongli did not want it to be with any regrets. ]

Do you have any objections to that?

[ ...Ah. this is all so ... surreal. If he wasn't so stunned by the touch too his face, he would have recommend instinctively due to not every revealing a time someone touched him without intent to harm him or discipline him in some manner.

(And so Ajax further doesn't realize how he leans into the touch looked a starved animal being lured with food.)

Rather than express doubt at the speaking of a healer, he asks curiously. ]

Is there something else or could be that a healer would know how to identify and assist with? [ he can't say he's met many people that had him feel that getting sick coughing up flowers and choking on them was not so unheard of. ...Not that he talks to very many people.]

I haven't really heard of anything like it before, so I just assumed it had to do with that.

Either way, though... I guess not. I'll go with you to the healer.

Perhaps you can enlighten me.

[ And Zhongli finally drops his hand down by his side even those his fingers twitch as if they would like to hold Ajax again. It's improper really. Even if the soul is the same, the memories do not remain. He should not take advantage of someone who obviously grew up in a difficult environment.

It should all be about Ajax's needs, not Morax's own trivial desires. ]

How much do you know about the ailment that plagues you? Or have you been left in the dark regarding it outside of its symptoms?

Ah... no. I just started experiencing those symptoms one day.

[ He shifts uncomfortably, like he doesn't know if it's okay to explain this to the archon, because maybe it will make him backpedal in being kind. At the same time, if he isn't aware,Ajax should warn him, right? It's inevitable that if he stays long enough that the Abyss will become Morax's issue. ]

...The experiment involved an Abyss Flower. But the flower I cough up most is not the petals belonging to that. I just figured because they are both flowers it was related. The scientists involved didn't really seem to care. I don't think it matters to them, unless it provides complications to their research.

[ Zhongli's brow furrows at the information, one hand brought to his chin as he thinks. What possible reason did the people of the Abyss have for studying hanahaki? And why introduce another flower to one who was already suffering from such an ailment? Was there something about the Inazuman disease that he didn't know about? ]

So you were already showing symptoms before the experimentation? Can you describe to me this other flower that plagues you?

[ Initially, Ajax starts to shake his head, but pauses rather quickly as if seemingly realizing something. He doesn't remember much about his health before the experimentation. So he can't actually confirm or deny if there were any symptoms even in very simplistic form, such as a persistent cough. ]

I'm ... not really sure, now that you ask that.

And... you mean describe the Abyss Flower?

[ good for her even begin to explain such a thing? having resigned to never bring able to talk to anyone about it, nevermind give much detail is more holding than he had every imagine it would be should the opportunity to do otherwise ever come up. ]

No, not the Abyss Flower. The other one you mentioned— the one you say that you cough the most petals of. Or perhaps I am misunderstanding your current situation.

. . .

This disease should not be able to be induced through experimentation, even from those as clever and cruel as those that come from the Abyss.

Oh. Uhm, I believe it was called a red spider lily? But I didn't really see anything about that flower saying it was able to cause diseases... but still, I was shown one eventually in person and they do look to be the same petals.

A red spider lily?

[ Zhongli sets himself down in front of Ajax, both in preparation for his lengthy explanation and for what was certain to be Ajax's own numerous questions. ]

There is a rare disease — first recorded in Inazuma and believed to be a derivative of a dendro curse called Hanahaki. Tales tell of a god that fell in love with a mortal but who never revealed their love due to the incompatibilities of both their stations and their lives. As their love grew stronger and the vow of silence tighter, the god began to cough up petals — sakura blossoms — a flower favored by their lover. It is not known what became of the god, the stories do not say.

But since then there have been cases of individuals with flowers growing in their lungs — the only relief being either to find reciprocation of their repressed feelings or having the memory of that person wiped from them completely.

Upon meeting you, I wondered if you might suffer a similar affliction, though it seems the current state of yours might be negatively influenced by other factors.

[ Ajax goes to sit back down now that Morax has and listens quietly. Once the god has finished, the mortal seems perplexed. ]

—But I'm not in love with anyone...

[ surely he would know, right? Otherwise, doesn't that mean he's already forgotten them and so he shouldn't have these issues ...? ]

Hopefully it's not that... since there's no way I could ever get the feelings reciprocated since I don't even know who it is. It's definitely no one I have met before coming here. [ then again, maybe the Abyss enjoys that kind of suffering, even if it's not a disease that originates in the Abyss. Could it be just some mocking perversion of it, then? He wouldn't be surprised considering how it would just drive the nails in deeper.]

What happens if it's not cured? [ not that it matters, but he might as well ask just to confirm his expectations. He assumes it's the same thing as the Abyss flower reaching maturity.

(Death, it's all that's really left for him now. He had expected to live a little longer, but it's not like he's going to miss anything, right? And no one is attached to him, which means no one will suffer from his early end.) ]

Edited (Typos) 2024-02-29 19:39 (UTC)

[ Not in love and yet suffering for what surely must be hanahaki. Of that Rex Lapis is certain. But if its a mutated strain due to the Abyss influence, who knows how much more deadly it might or how much more complicated it might be to cure. ]

While the most common emotion is love, the curse sprouts from repressed and unvoiced emotions. There is no requirement that they must be romantic in nature. So perhaps— it is not that you are in love with someone but there is someone you wish to deepen your bond with, familial or platonic, that causes the flowers to bloom so.

[ And while Morax himself has never heard it be anything other than love, if Ajax does not know who the target of his emotions is then curing it would be difficult indeed. Difficult and cruel. ]

If left untreated, the blooms will eventually spread throughout the lungs and throat and suffocate the afflicted. This process is usually lengthy and painful with herbs and medicines to treat the pain.

The tales say that a subject willingly agreeing to forget all memories of their important person will also cure the illness. However, I do not know how not knowing that person is complicates that treatment.

[ Ajax doesn't look as if any epiphanies are occurring at the alternative suggestions.

The information on what happens if left untreated is unsurprising, but it's only after that, that he opens his mouth hesitantly. It's not because he doesn't trust the other, it's simply because he doesn't like the idea of revealing anything about his past. Still, he feels that he really needs to drive this home just so Rex Lapis doesn't think that there's a sea of possibilities on who the individual is and he simply can't figure out which of them it might be. ]

... My family is dead. And I don't have any friends. I work alone. It's not that I simply don't know who it is —I don't know anyone in general. No one wants to be around someone in my line of work, add the Abyss to it and even those that would not care normally also keep their distance.

[ so unless it's the feelings of just wanting to be loved by someone— anyone?— he has no idea how he could even begin to unravel this mystery.

(... There's someone he wants to meet, though. But he also doesn't know who they are. They are in his dreams, and they are only a shadow, so the truth is that they probably don't exist at all.)

It's frustrating, and the young man lets it show on his expression before sighing and letting it all go along with it. There's no point getting worked up about it, it won't change any of the details; and it's not as if this information has made anything worse than it already was presumed to be. ]

... When I was in a Inazuma, I heard the legend concerning, not the disease, but this flower: that if you cross paths with someone that you'll never meet again, these flowers bloom on the paths you walk together. Do you think that's some kind of irony? That I'll never be able to identify the source because I'll never meet them?

[ "I don't have a home." Isn't that also what Ajax had said to him so many centuries ago as he caught fish off the shoal for the both of them to eat. He'd been smiling then when he said it, even if it hadn't reached his eyes.

But this Ajax—

Had this Ajax not even known the warmth of friendship? ]

Legends, now matter how farfetched, are always planted with a seed of truth. I do not know what true lies underneath such a tragic tale, but—

[ He places a hand on Ajax's shoulder. To steady him? To steady his own heart? One really cannot be sure as Rex Lapis had never allowed himself to be presented as anything else than steadfast. (Even on that night long ago when his heart was breaking.) ]

You can stay here in Liyue for as long as you wish. You do not have to be alone anymore.

And though I cannot guarantee a cure to your ailment, I can offer a promise to help you find the best care to the extent of my resources.

[ Ajax glances up before offering a small smile and a nod. ]

Thank you, Xiansheng. [ and he means it, too, even if it ultimately ends up doing nothing. It's.... nice to feel someone want to care about your well-being.

There's no sense dwelling on the topic, though, right? ] I'm happy to go see a healer to confirm that when you're ready.

Of course.

[ And Rex Lapis moves to stand, fully this time as he offers a hand for Ajax to take. Not of weakness or protection as it might have been offered moments before, but companionship. ]

Though I do believe you were promised a hunt, yes? I imagine you have been less than pleased with the bedrest that has been forced upon you since your arrival.

It would be unkind of me to send you to more rest without something to catch your interest.

[ .. Oh. Ajax knows he shouldn't read to much into it, that this is definitely Rex Lapis projecting something that doesn't belong to Ajax to be taking, but it's hard not to when it's offered so easily.

There's very little hesitation in the end from the outsider, and he takes the archon's hand both gratefully and with some excitement that he'll get to do something like a hunt without being reprimanded or told he needs to rest and not be doing such things.

How is he supposed to do anything but accept? ]

... Sounds fun...!

[ Zhongli should be more strict with himself on comparing this Ajax to the one that he lost, but still he can't help but offer another small smile at that answer that is so undeniably "him". As if his Ajax's spirit could live on within another. ]

Yes, I do hope you find it enjoyable. Now—

I know that you have been provide with a blade, but it is probably not adequate for the type of creature that we will be hunting. Do you have your own weapons or would you like to have a new one provided for you?

... Oh? Can I really have a new one?

[ he had his own weapons but that's not the point. It might be fun too use something different especially since they're going on a hunt and not a murder spree like he is used to having to do with his own weaponry, so...!

It would be really nice to go hunt without any of that stigma if he could, just like when he was little with his dad and older siblings. ]

Of course.

[ And Rex Lapis speaks with pride here, just as he always is very proud whenever he is able to brag about the land of Liyue. ]

Our blacksmiths are well renowned, though they do not have the same fame as our Inazuman brethren and their schools of swordsmanships. We however, do follow the same teachings from master to apprentice and are blessed with some of the finest ores Teyvat has to offer.

So yes, if you would like a new weapon— I would be honored to provide you with one of Liyue make.

[ It's a small selfish thing — to have Ajax take a piece of Liyue (a piece of Zhongli) with him when he no doubts leaves again. Ajax was a warrior and a wanderer, bound to this place now only by his illness and his enemies. Even if he came to call Liyue a home, the odds that he would stay for good were— well, it was better for Morax to not even entertain such a fantasy. ]

Please! I'd like a new one very much!

[ shiny new items ! why not right? Not only does he love weapons and their craftsmanship, but it works be extra fun to be able to hunt for Liyue using their own weaponry.

(And it certainly doesn't hurt if he can avoid using his abyss powers since his normal weapons are just standard junk as he usually wields hydro constructs to fight anyway. ) ]

[ With Ajax's hand still in his, Zhongli rises to his feet, pulling the other up with him. Normally, a person would give some sort of reassuring squeeze or release the other person's hand. Normally. In his current state, Morax is much less attuned to the rules of physical engagement and does not let go of Ajax if only for the amount of raw emotion still stirring within him. ]

Then tell me.

What kind of weapon would you like?

[ Ajax tries not fall into Morax's step with this familiarity suddenly between them, but it's so hard not to indulge a little. Even if he knows these affections are not really towards him, the geo archon seems ... happier, maybe? Something feels like it's lightened some weight on the god's shoulders. And even if it isn't him, even if it doesn't last so long, even if this is not his god to appease—

— how can he do anything but? ]

A polearm.

[ It is easy and it is cruel to superimpose the memories of his dear long lost friend onto this new person. Onto this new Ajax (a name that he should not call him in the first place). In life and in war, loss was an inevitability even if new people and experiences came to live alongside the memories. It was an impossibility that anyone or anything should ever return. Morax understands this and yet—

It lightens his heart in ways he cannot describe to imagine that this is his Ajax. The one he failed to protect. The one he failed to convince to come home. It is a blessing and a curse to have a second chance at the friendship that was wrenched from both their grasps.

So when "Ajax" asks for a polearm, all Zhongli can see is the lopsided smile of the drenched foreigner from Snezhnaya, resorting to using his bare hands for fishing when he had nothing else. Even if all he had to do was ask Rex Lapis to create him a spear. But that has it always had been with Ajax leading and Zhongli following. But this time—

This time it would be Zhongli that would take the initiative. ]

A polearm.

[ He nods sagely as the two of them get closer to the harbor and human civilization. ]

A fine weapon. And the standard of the military might of Liyue. There will be no end of finely crafted ones from you to choose from.

Forever and again

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