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[ Chili one-shots ]

[ The splendor of a Harbinger's Snezhnaya living quarters is much to take in. Zhongli follows Childe in wide-eyed wonder, one hand still clasped in his as he follows him through the hall and then his luxurious suite.

It's beautiful - pristine in its whites and blues that remind Zhongli of Childe so much. It's also clean and minimalist, built for someone who spends little time resting at home and hearth when there are other things he could be doing. That is reminiscent of Childe as well.

Still - it seems a little lonely to see the rows and rows of unopened bottles and jars. Lonelier still that this room feels more like a high priced inn than a home, prestigious as an inn with this opulence would be. When Childe drops Zhongli's hand to gather up the towels, Zhongli's own wanders to the neatly lined soaps - index finger ghosting over each and every label before he pulls closer a wide glass jar of delicate green, the lid a carefully sculpted purple Sumeru rose. He stares at it a moment too long, almost missing when Childe asks him a question next. ]

Ah. Yes?

[ He looks around the bathroom, the advanced technology Snezhnaya used to keep itself warm in the bitter land of frost strange and alien. For some reason, it sets him on edge as his eyes follow a set of pipes that disappear into the walls and to who knows where. Not a shower, no. ]

A bath, please.

[ His expression relaxes into a small smile as he pulls the perfumed bottle close to his chest. ]

As for other preferences---

[ His eyes drop to the towels pressed close to the Harbinger, curious himself if he preferred the thin utilitarian one or indulged in the soft fluff of the other. ]

I wish to experience Snezhnaya as you experienced Liyue - with a cultural guide who can show me what it truly means to enjoy the nuances of living here. So whatever you recommend, I would be delighted to try.

[ Well, this small gesture has done wonders for Zhongli's spirit, it seems, if nothing else. Childe feels like he's back in Liyue all those years ago with a healthy parlour consultant as he himself remained none the wise to his true identity.

There is a short nod from the harbinger before he motions towards the large tub, stepping over to place the towels down at the generous edge of crystal base that the tub is "inground" within rather than it simply being a stand alone. He'll turn the elegant handles of the faucet to start the flow of water, but he'll stand up to look over at Zhongli and beckon him to come and test the waters for a temperature he wishes for. ]

Here... you can adjust these to make it hotter or colder, but I'm going to turn the water heater on since the water will get cold quickly no matter how hot you have it. If you need to adjust the heater while I'm gone, it's this right here—

[ he grabs Zhongli's hand with his own to guide it to the crystal edging where there is a dial well within reach of someone in the tub. His hand over Zhongli's, he guides them to turn the heater on with a click that is drowned out by the running water. A small light, however, appears below the dial and a digital number for listing temperature displays right beside it. ]

I'll be back soon. Ten minutes max. Will this be fine enough for you in the meantime?

[ Ten minutes. Zhongli's brows furrow in confusion even as Childe carefully guides him through all the mechanisms. The digital display and the gears are unfamiliar, but Childe's hands are not - they are as warm and comfortable just like when Zhongli painstakingly tried to teach him to use chopsticks. In a way, it feels right - to have this equal trade between the two of them. That this sort of fairness was somehow important.

But ah, Zhongli was letting his thoughts go astray again. Ten minutes.

Certainly Childe would not limit himself to only ten minutes at a time in this exquisite bathtub especially with how frigid the temperature was here. This much be a luxury amenity even for the upper classes of Snezhnaya, and as such should be enjoyed properly. Therefore, there could only be one logical explaination: ]

So you will be joining me soon?

[ Communal baths were not so uncommon in Liyue even though they did not have the vast bathhouse culture of Inazuma. Perhaps it shouldn't be surprising that such a trend would eventually arrive here as well traveled as the Fatui were. The size of the this bath in a personal space (while still large) also afforded a sense of intimacy and privacy since it was meant to be shared among friends and co-workers potentially. ]

[ Childe pauses, blinking before rather easily going along with answering the question.]

Oh, sure... if you want the company. [ he was going to come back, of course, to make sure everything was going all right and zhongli was comfortable. Zhongli could stay in the bath as long as he likes, too, it's not a problem. Alright Childe had been intending to come back and keep him company from outside the tub, inside is not a problem if the other prefers it. ]

Just get comfortable, okay? I'm going to get your tea so you can have it here and clear my schedule for the rest of the day.

[ it's not that big of a deal, of course— his schedule, that is. he's busy but... well, it's different than it was back at Northland Bank. Her Majesty let them do what they wanted so long as they came when she beckoned. There's a pause before he glances to the water again. ] I started the water warm, don't turn it up too quickly. You don't feel it, but your body is well into hypothermia. Even though you aren't human, I don't know if your body will burn like a human's if we try to introduce you to water that is too hot too quickly. It needs to be done gradually. When I get back, we can see how you're doing. If I'm going to be joining you I can probably raise your core temperature with my own body heat and we can warm the water if everything is going okay.

[ it's clear there's nothing to worry about, but considering how cold his skin is and it's coloring, he can't bring himself to risk Zhongli blistering his skin painfully instead of getting to relax and feel better in the bath.

Before leaving though, Childe will flip a switch that will help warm the air in the bathroom, as well. If he's going to take care of the other here he might as well do it properly. ]

[ Zhongli brightens up even more when Childe says he will join him. While he can't remember them ever engaging in such such an activity together before, surely it wasn't too outside of the realm of their friendship if Childe agrees to it so readily, and that helps ease the sting of--- well, he's not sure what to call this foreboding that comes and goes like dark rain clouds, making him feeling like something is amiss. An electricity in the air that hints that lightning is about to strike somewhere. But now the skies are clear and sunny, just like Childe's smile.

Though there's a little bit of lingering guilt when Childe talks about freeing his schedule. Zhognli presence must be rather inconvenient, but that too does not dour his mood so happy that he is to be here, to belong--- somewhere.

So Zhongli does start to make himself comfortable as he shucks off the outer layers of his clothing, folding them neatly and setting them far enough away that they won't get splashed by the water. He even leans down to move the towels to a more suitable and safer location, admiring the softness of the fluffy one, when something Childe says catches him off guard.

Suddenly, he is holding the towels to his chest like a child cradling their favorite stuff animal for comfort. ]

What do you mean that I am not---

[ Something cracks, a hairline fracture running down the length of the smooth stone of what should be skin but is not skin. Just another fault line in a spiderweb of broken memories stretching across his body, bleeding gold ichor as his head throbs and throbs and throbs-- it itches, it's uncomfortable like he wants to scratch away at his scalp at the pressure there that builds and builds and builds. Not human. Not human but something else. ]

...human?

[ Childe turns, his expression twisted into confusion. Zhongli doesn't even remember what he really is? Before he can open his mouth to say something, though— ]

Ah, Xiansheng—!

[without thinking he immediately moves to pull the snow white scarf from his uniform (a scarf like the one from so long ago was but different: different style, different fabric, different length, different color (all colors at once) —different different different, and yet— ) and goes to press it against and block the view of the gold 'blood' from both of them (assuming Zhongli can indeed see it, too) and the clearly inhuman 'injury' it came forth from.

Childe holds it there, pressing firmly as if the pressure might stop the bleeding and cause the "skin" to heal itself.

(But Childe knows better— that's not how you mend stone.)

One thing at a time.

...Just one thing at a time, and maybe he can delay what the unexpected panic that's jumped from his belly to his throat is alluding towards. ]

It's nothing... don't worry right now. We can talk about it later, okay? Does it hurt?

Edited 2023-04-17 01:58 (UTC)

[ It's a thin fracture dribbling from somewhere beneath the hairline, something that Zhongli does not see as Childe catches the gold droplets before they drip down into his eyes. All Zhongli knows is that some physical altercation of his has caused Childe to panic so he stays there, clutching the towel and still as stone while Childe applies further pressure.

(Not now. If not now, when would they talk about it? There's no guarantee that Zhongli would remember this exchange in the next few hours let alone until some ambiguous future date.)

His lips thin to a line with the expression of a person who knows that they are being placated, but having no way to counter such an action. Zhongli is not a fool. He knows that the temperatures of Snezhnaya should have done more damage to him, lost some frozen fingers or toes or something even more vital for his hubris in wandering through the cold with a faulty memory. But he had not questioned it because it had been convenient. Did not want to question it for fear the answer would only further slow him down. ]

No, it does not hurt.

[ Zhongli is being mostly truthful.

It only hurts when he tries to concentrate on what Childe had said--- Not human not human not human. But these thoughts slip through his fingers like sand in the desert, more gold ichor seeping into the pristine white cloth of Childe's scarf as he tries to cling to it.

And so, after a short time, he does not, and lets that memory wash away along with the countless others this affliction had taken. He'd learned to not fight it after the incident where he woke up on the cold floor of his house, sticky gold paint ruining the stained hardwood and almost a week of time just gone as if it had never been.

(How had he survived such a --- no, best not think about that either less his condition worsen.)

And so the thoughts recede as does the "blood" as the remark shatters and dissipates. Zhongli attempts to look at Childe with a comforting if somewhat shaky small smile. ]

Please do not worry. I am all right.

[ Childe doesn't know how any of this constitutes as 'all right,' but the Snezhnayan doesn't speak up, unsure if anything he says might somehow trigger something like that again.
What should he do?

The concern lessens after a moment of looking at Zhongli's face as if searching for something, a light sigh escaping him as he lets his scarf fall away without care that it's stained. ]

If you're sure... [ Childe steps back now, trying to offer a reassuring smile. ] I'll be back quickly.

[ Childe is true to his word, although in n the way back he's slowed some due to carrying the tray of the hot tea and its teacups. He'll enter the bathroom, announcing "I'm back!" while hoping Zhongli is simply content in the tub enjoying the warmth now rather than bleeding everywhere or worse.

Childe needs to talk to the Tsaritsa and ask her to help. Surely with Celestia still existing, even if in an altered form, giving Zhongli back his gnosis could help with what is happening to him.

(He knows what she'll say, though. That it won't reverse it even though it might slow it, that to try and stop the erosion— he remembers the Traveler telling him about it now in detail related to Zhongli's old friend and to another god of Liyue now— would be no different than torture and a cruelty to prolong the effects. If Childe really did care about Zhongli's wellbeing, then he best see to end of life care techniques that would be used to keep the terminally ill with as high a quality life as possible. It would be selfish to think of anything else.)

Why can't he just go along with it? If he heard Zhongli had died, it wouldn't affect him like he feels affected right now with the other here with him. Is that simply an out of sight, out of mind thing? Why is Childe letting himself get caught up in this? It's going to end with Zhongli disappearing— either physically or mentally.

( He doesn't like it... this bitter, uncomfortable feeling in his belly. ) ]

Feeling any better? I'm sure the tea will help if you aren't.

[ When Childe returns, Zhongli is fully immersed in the bath, suds and bubbles piled high around him as the room now smells of a sun-warmed hilly Sumeru landscape. It seems in the Harbinger's absence, Zhongli has managed to find one of the loofas Childe mentioned earlier as he alternates between scrubbing at his limbs as well as indulging in the various other oils and moisturizes that he has pulled from the countertops. In fact, almost half a dozen bottles have been opened for the first time, lined neatly in the bath's alcove by color, size and purpose. Zhongli brushes a stray lock of hair from his face, hair tied up into a neat bun as he turns to look fondly in Childe's direction. ]

This bath is quite exquisite. Snezhnaya is truly a marvel of technology.

[ It seems that the warmth has done wonders for more than just Zhongli's mood as his "skin" takes on a warmed pink color as if it was actually forged of flesh instead stone. He carefully sets the loofa on the lip of the bath as he physically turns, hands folded over that same edge.

Completely oblivious to Childe's own internal turmoil: ]

Tea during a bath?

[ There's a small chuckle as he watches Childe approach. ]

I would tease that that the Vanguard lives so indulgently, but I noticed that you have not enjoyed any of this luxury personally.

It's good to keep your insides warm like your outsides. [ Childe chirps. He sets the tea down now, reaching to take one of Zhongli's hands in his own so he can inspect the skin. It does look good, and when looking at his face, it reaffirms that for him. he sighs with some relief. Letting his hand go, the harbinger will move to pour some tea for Zhongli into the teacup and leave it within reach should the other wish to take it.

He smiles almost sheepishly at the comment. ] Oh, haha, well... i come from a small fishing village in a remote part of Snezhnaya. I'm not used to these things. [ he says, as if he hasn't by now lived as a harbinger for almost as long as he lived as a child in the village. He'll come to kneel down at the side of the tub, propping his arms up curiously to look at the other. ] It's almost just too much choice. When it comes to things that I'm not passionate about, too much choice makes it hard for me to pick even though it should be easier. So I just stick to what I know most of the time.

I'm perfectly happy making use of the items by spoiling others— like you.

[ Zhongli does not immediately go for the tea, warmed as he is by the bath and more importantly Childe's presence. If he takes it now, then the Harbinger will certainly sit back to give him space to drink, and for some reason that Zhongli cannot articulate, the thought makes him uneasy. Something about a missed opportunity but he has no idea what opportunity he could be missing. Regardless, the tea can be enjoyed later, and so Zhongli leans in closer. ]

Always the charmer. Would it help if I chose for you instead?

[ With his free hand, Zhongli snags one of the longer locks framing Childe's face - the fiery strand wrapped around his forefinger. For a moment, he looks at it with such an intense scrutiny that perhaps Childe should be concerned whether he has split ends or not. (He doesn't. Probably.) Then with a thoughtful hum, Zhongli pulls back his hand and lets the lock fall back to its original messy position.

He props his chin in said hand, squeezing the hand that is still carefully cradled in Childe's and raises one eyebrow at him. ]

Did you change your mind about joining me?

Yeah, actually, it would.

[ Ah, well this is very Zhongli-like, isn't it, fussing over his hair? (Childe wouldn't be surpass if here had split ends, he hasn't spent much time in his appearance like he did back in Liyue (which was pretty much all because of Zhongli, anyway) short of diplomatic business.

He'll lean a bit closer himself, curious before realizing he did say he would join him. ] Huh? Of course not, I'm just making sure everything's good for you before I get in, too. I'll go get the robes for when we're done if everything is to your liking and then join you.

[ There is a small tug of a frown when Zhongli realizes that Childe will not be joining him immediately and that more fussing is to be had. It's understandable. Not only did Childe loathe standing still for any particular reason, but he could have a doting nature when it came to particular pet projects of his - like helping a young childe looking for a lost toy.

(That should sound some warning bells in Zhongli's own mind about their current engagement but he chooses to ignore it. A blessing really - to be given the choice to be ignorant about some things.

And so, Zhongli looks past Childe, back to the many bottles that we stacked so neatly across the marble countertop. ]

Then I shall require the moisturizer from Fontaine and the bath salts from Inazuma as well before you step in. I already have the silkflower oil from Liyue here with me.

[ And true to his word, the silkflower oil is settled behind him with the other bottles he pilfered from Childe's stash. ]

Otherwise I require nothing else outside of your company.

Sure thing.

[ Childe will get up and leave the bathroom only to return a moment later with evening robes that a quite a bit heavier than anything from Liyue. They're also soft like velvet fur, but Zhongli will find that out afterwards.

Hanging the robes up, he'll move to grab the requested items (which takes him a moment of actually looking) before turning back with them to head over to Zhongli and set them down for him. With that done, the harbinger wastes little time stripping his clothes off, only realizing as he does so that he can't remember the last time he shared a bath with anyone. He wasn't willing to be that intimately affectionate, especially considering most of the people he met were incredibly underwhelming. Politics just made such people even worse.

...Not that it's awkward to be doing so with Zhongli (which is probably really a bad thing because Childe needs to be careful not to get carried away or this is going to turn into a mess.) It's just... nostalgic. In a way Childe isn't sure how to describe.

Ignoring it, he'll finally go to climb into the tub, too, blinking when he settles in taking a full seat and seeing they aren't squished together. That's how often he uses this thing— he's surprised by the size of it. ]

Oh, ha, this is pretty roomy.

[ Zhongli makes a small tut of disapproval at the comment, already halfway through adding the bottles to his unique and stringent ordering system. Really now. Did Childe even use this bath at all?

(No, probably not based on the expression on his face.) ]

It is.

And bought luxuries are meant to be enjoyed. Otherwise you are not getting your mora's worth out of them. So if you would please---

[ And Zhongli makes a hand gesture that Childe should turn around and face away from. Yes, that would make working with his hair easier. Without waiting to see if Childe has plans to comply, he is already picking up one of the bottles and generously lathering his hands with the contents. ]

[ apparently that idea of enjoying bought luxuries goes over Childe's head with the innocently blank expression that follows (but no, it's not exactly that so much as he well recalls buying thing after thing for Zhongli, and always finding it plenty worth it by watching the other enjoy them. Zhongli was certainly true to his words. Thinking a moment on it, he does go to turn around as asked mostly aware that the other seems to want to... cater to him. Zhongli really... remembers nothing about what happened between them. Would he be so content to stay with Childe, be in even such an intimate position with him as now? A part of him feels the time of guilt for pretending like it never happened, but it's obvious already he can't simply dump information into Zhongli and have him easily retain it all and simply remember. If anything, him trying to remember only seemed to hurt him physically. But that child should care about the other's physical well being, but it's obvious he does feel something there that doesn't want to see Zhongli hurt like this.

( "How can you ask that of me with such a sincere expression after what just happened at the bank? Do I really so easily fall into your web that you are confident I'll still be strung along?!" )

With his face away from Zhongli, his expression falls. Zhongli remembers none of that, and he's so different than what Childe would expect even with the other remembering only good times between them. Some things should be ingrained in muscle memory that feel habitual, though, right? Shouldn't Zhongli instinctively know there's at least something about Childe that signals he should want nothing to do with him? Why would catering him like wanting to bathe him feel natural to the once geo-archon?

Not that Zhongli never did such a thing back then, but that was ... different back then.

—He'd gone and turned so much more self-destructive after abruptly losing all contact with Zhongli. He went and did things that make him roll his eyes now at how stupid he had been all in an emotional tirade and subconscious desire to get back at the other. Since he couldn't harm the other, then harming himself because of Zhongli's actions would surely do the trick wouldn't it? (How ridiculous for him in an emotionally immature response to default to that all over the other playing him by pretending he cared when the only way Zhongli would even bat an eye to such would be if he cared to some degree?)

It's not as if he ever went through with throwing it in Zhongli's face, either. Perhaps he was too embarrassed by his actions to try and put into what so easily seemed like a good idea at the time. Alcohol makes everything easier to just do rather than consider. . After all, it wasn't hard in the underbelly of Liyue to find those all too willing to take advantage of someone like him looking to violate himself in an attempt to get back at his... whatever Zhongli had been to him back then. it didn't seem to make sense and bother trying to figure out exactly what that was when it didn't matter.

(He remembers the day he was leaving for Snezhnaya, having been called back to start searching for the Balladeer and fully intending to make a stop to see Zhongli one last time. To see if he could get something out of that expression that was a hint of ...anything if he saw the violent bruising in the form of fingers and nails wrapped about his throat. )

He feels it again... the same feeling of self-disgust back then that caused him to wear his scarf differently and pull the jacket collar of his uniform up to hide his neck as he left for Liyue's docks without so much as meeting a glance of the individuals he passed on by. Everything felt so worthless. That ride back had been unusually quiet as he sulked in private the majority of the time. Throwing himself back into his missions like he always had done at least cured that ailment.

Enjoying luxuries were meant for people who believed themselves worth pampering, anyway, right? Childe had at least stopped that behavior finally years ago ( even if he still had moments where the need to do it all over again, being self-aware of how much it would break his pride afterwards the one thing holding him back from slipping. He always regretted it the next morning, but he also silently appreciated that each time it happened it drew him further and further away from ever believing happiness could lie in the interactions of a partnership that included such intimacy.

What a sham such things were. Maybe others could pretend that was the case, but a Childe called the hard reality if only do he could never make the same mistake with anyone ever again. (not that there was ever anyone else.)

Surely Zhongli with no memory and acting so naturally attached is Celestia's cruel way to further dig the knife in that he will never be accepted as a child of the Seven no matter how much her Majesty doted on him. That even for her, he would always be a means to an end, a sacrifice worth offering.

(That's the best that it gets in his cast lot for such things, after all.

The fact the one individual that made him think even for a moment that he could find happiness by simply being with another and sharing days together is now amnesic with it most likely signaling death is close behind. How long would that be for Zhongli though? Years, decades, centuries? )

A small sigh will escape the harbinger in defeat. Perhaps the only option for him, too, is to forget all that stuff himself. ]

Hm, so I'm not letting you go back out today, but is there anything you want to plan for tomorrow? Your choice.

[ Oblivious to Childe's inner turmoil (a fact that would be true even if Zhongli did retain his memories), Zhongli reaches for the first bottle - the silkflower oil from Liyue. With a audible pop of the cap opening, he pours some liberally into his palm, rubbing his hands together to warm the oil to a pleasant temperature.

He starts at the junction of neck and shoulder, those stiff portions of muscle that built up through either over exertion through battle or Childe's hunched posture over his paperwork. Carefully he kneads at the skin there, starting slow as his hands work ever so slightly lower and lower until they press in the dip between Childe's shoulderblades. The motions are measured and rhythmic, already adding to the growing peace and relaxation that is slowly warming Zhongli even more than the heated bath is. ]

My choice?

[ Zhongli does not question why he should not be allowed out for the rest of the day. Childe would know best how to handle the climate and culture of Snezhnaya, so he would defer to his judgement.

The promise of excitement tomorrow also is quite effective as a distraction. ]

I wish to eat your favorite dish prepared in the way you think is most authentic to your culture.

You told me so much of the warm and filling foods of your homeland. It would be a shame not to try them now that you are here to help me experience them properly.

[ Favorite dish.... Childe does extremely well not to tense up at that, somehow already coming to terms with this sort of thing occurring having to be understood as the norm. He still doesn't understand why Zhongli has forgotten so much but somehow remembers him enough to come halfway around Teyvat to locate him.

Instead, he focuses on the feeling of hands massaging him, deciding to think hard on when the last time he had anything like a massage such as this... probably the time Tonya wanted to try and replicate one technique from a spa he took her to, and he ended up with a pulled muscle from her being just a little too ... let's just say unrefined in her new craft. ]

Okay, I'll make a special version just for you, Xiansheng~! [ he chirps with a smile even if it can't be seen by the older man. A special version... without fish. Surely, he can adjust the recipe (he feels like maybe he had even started doing this back in Liyue but never got to present it,) it's not as if all of Snezhnaya has access to fish and it's a countrywide staple. There's good meat to be found, and surely the spices can be put together for something that the adeptus will more likely enjoy.

He blinks back his eyes from watering, going to rub at them and wondering if he got something in them or he's just that unused to the bath and its gentle steam.

( haha, there's no reason to be upset. he can keep Zhongli with him the less he remembers, right? So anything he remembers is really just a danger that he might suddenly somehow remember that none of this is his things are—! )

Besides, he remembered what Childe said about the food to him even if he doesn't remember that he already knows well that Childe is incredibly fond of fish— wait, no, is it that he doesn't actually remember he himself doesn't like fish, instead?

... Ah ha, no that's ridiculous. It might be both, but how could it be him remembering Childe's likes and not his own dislikes?

Maybe he's just too old to keep up the charade for himself that this misfortune could somehow become a boon for the harbinger. It could, of course— but that has nothing to do with their relationship and everything to do with if he still had to retrieve a gnosis from the other. There's no way to steal the true heart of someone in this manner, even if he somehow believed it could be done. Nothing comes to mind or has since he started thinking of it beyond every memory coming forward reminding him how impossible it is. He wonders briefly if he thinks this is awful for Zhongli when in reality the memory loss perhaps may very well be strangely easier without the burden of millenia for the old Archon.

Cautiously, he asks with concern: ] Are you really okay, Zhongli-xiansheng? You don't remember a lot of things, but it doesn't hurt, you said, right? Did the doctor in Liyue provide you anything to take to help with the symptoms? I want to make sure you are comfortable from now on.

[ Surely he can do something even if he can't win Zhongli's heart even with so many memories lost. why does not having that still upset him.... what good would that do, would it even be real if it was possible? No, probably not, feelings and memories go hand and hand, afterall. Right now he just wants to hug onto Zhongli and never let him go. Never let anyone hurt him or take anything else away from him.

... isn't Zhongli the cause of so much of Childe's own hurt, though? It's so easy to act like that never happened when presented with this affectionate (it's not affection, is it, it's just desperation for something or someone he knows and can ground him as still belonging somewhere.)

I want it to be real affection though, even if it's too late...

(Is this any way to live? Does Zhongli even want to live in a world where everything he loves and knows is slowly scraped away by a knife that can cut through stone?)

Stop caring. Stop acting like that idiot you were when you first stepped off the boat in that foreign country.

Isn't it funny that Zhongli's presence and predicament has the harbinger sinking beneath the waves of the past: a place he isn't welcome, a place he can never belong to. Then again, is the future all that different? If even an Archon can have their self erased away with time.... what hope do humans and anything lesser have?

What an awful way to think about life. ]

So... just tell me when something upsets you or hurts or anything like that, okay?

[ Maybe pretending is what Childe has really always been best at: maybe pretending is all he has to offer Zhongli in the end. If only he could stop himself, but it seems he's a glutton for punishment no matter how well he knows better. ]

[ If Zhongli could know what he had forgotten, he'd be able to explain it more concretely to Childe. The time as Morax and Rex Lapis is almost completely wiped clean from his memory, leaving only the funeral parlor consultant behind. With no Morax to remember, then there is no battle with Osial and no task to clean up the harbor of all the unsightly creatures left in his wake. Thus, the reason for Zhongli's aversion to fish disappeared with it, the root of the issue always more of a psychological problem than one of taste.

But there is no way that can be conveyed. Zhongli can only remember talking with Childe about his favorite dish - one very similar to a dish in Mondstadt no less. But no memory of ever tasting it - strange, considering all the other things that they had shared. So certainly it must be because they came to a silent understanding that Zhongli's first experience should happen in Snezhnaya. A promise made and to be fulfilled. And that was all the more reason for Zhongli to seek Childe out.

Zhongli's hand press lower, following the curve of Childe's spine as he works over every knot and muscle. He has no memory of performing such an intimate act with Childe and yet, everything feels natural and easy. Like stepping into a pair of worn but well fitting shoes before heading out for the day.

Yes. It was here that Zhongli was meant to be. ]

I know my current predicament is quite... alarming and difficult for you. But I assure you that I am not in pain. Dizzy and disoriented sometimes, but those are minor symptoms. Nothing that required treatment and no treatment for anything that needed it.

[ But ah, Zhongli can hear the concern in Childe's voice and while it is quite distressing to know that you are the source of a loved one pain (yes, loved one - Childe was a dear friend and one that Zhongli loves), there is comfort there as well. He knew Childe. And Childe knew him. Near the end of his time in Liyue, there was encounter after encounter of seeing those worried faces and hearing panic in unknown voices, but being unable to attach a name or a memory to many of those people. It was cruel - to both them and Zhongli - to make them suffer through that.

(This is also cruel to Childe and when the memories of the Harbinger start to fade, he will say his goodbyes while he still knew who he was and then disappear. No one, especially those he loved, deserved such a fate as to see him in his final days.)

But that was tomorrow's problem. Today - today was the first time Zhongli had felt hope in a very very long time. ]

It feels better now. To be here, with you.

I see. I'll make sure you're a comfortable as possible so you can sleep tonight, then. [ he'll glance back over his shoulder with a smile that looks reassured for the most part by the other's words. ]

Does it really? Not that I'm unhappy to hear it, but I wonder what you must feel about me for you to still recall me while many others in Liyue you could confide in. Regardless... you don't have to be alone anymore., and if being here is really helping you, then I can only be grateful you made it here... even if I don't approve of your lack of being properly dressed for this type of climate. I'll make sure you have proper outdoor wear from now on.

[ he's trying not to admit it but Zhongli's hands feel good on his skin. Thinking like that is getting too comfortable, though, isn't it? Even if he's sure Zhongli isn't going me with him again if he lets himself Lower his guard around him, but he knows that it'll end badly for the both of them with Zhongli's condition. Zhongli will eventually forget him and that could be as soon as tomorrow.

Still, he wants to actually help, and it doesn't seem right to be keeping his guard up with Zhongli as he does so. So unless he is willing to just... soothe Zhongli and not feel anything while feeling something?

That sounds like an even worse idea. ]

[ Zhongli's hands pause for a moment in their motions across Childe's skin. He had said that many times now - that he was surprised Zhongli came to him of all people; that he would take care of him and make sure that he didn't feel alone.

Had he felt alone? Is that why he was here? ]

I suppose there are others that I could confide in. And others whose company I could keep.

[ But when he looks back on his life in Liyue---

He seems himself working at the funeral parlor, the director both his boss and a friend, but she is quite young still - more likely to spend her free time with Xiangling and those two boys... ah, the names had escaped him again. But he was certain, yes, there were two young men around their age. He sees himself in his free time, listening to poems of Liyue's history and traditions and watching operas of Yun Jin Troupe. He sees himself wandering the markets, pleasantly greeting shopkeeper and shopper alike. He sees so many people in his life.

But none capture his attention like the Harbinger as he makes a pleased noise at a new dish Zhongli picked for him to try. None warm him like the volley of questions that come with each story, not matter how old or dry the content. None lighten the weight like Childe taking Zhongli's hand and plopping the item he'd be glancing at for weeks in his palm with a smile and a "I'll pay for this one, Xiansheng" as if that was the exception rather than the norm.

The comparison of the two feelings --- ah, well, it's not even comparable at all.

He looks up to return Childe's smile with a small but reassuring one of his own, shaky as it might be in his confusion. ]

But your star is the brightest to me.

[ There's no reason to keep pressing it when Zhongli says something like that, is there? He's given him enough chances to reflect on it that if what he saw happen earlier was the norm should he try to think on something he really can't recall, then he'd only be bringing pain forward. (And, even if he wanted to see Zhongli suffer for everything, like that wasn't the right kind of way. )

So that's that then. He'll nod before turning around fully so he can lean and kiss Zhongli on the forehead before giving him an affectionate rub of their Cheeks together before pulling back. ]

That is very nice to hear. Thank you for it.

Anyway, so, I'll order in something good for us, too, in a bit
Something with a lot of water content and nothing too heavy in case you haven't been eating well recently.

[ Zhongli blinks up owlishly at the kiss to the forehead, brow crinkling in confusion before it smooths to an affectionate smile of his own. Something feels... off, though he cannot place it. He does not believe Childe is lying to him - or at least not about taking care of him and the promise to stay by his side. Promises were as important to Childe as contracts were to the land of Liyue. He would not go back on them. But there is something else. Something that buzzes in the back of his head and throbs when he tries to concentrate on it, so Zhongli does not. Perhaps it is the shock of Zhongli's illness - he was renowned throughout Liyue about being to remember even the most minute details of culture and history so it must be quite an adjustment. So maybe---

(No. No, it is not that. There is something larger lurking in the shadows and empty spaces of his memory Something that he needs to address. Something that he came here to do. Something that prompted him to head toward these snowy lands.

Ah, but why can't he remember?)

He reaches up to catch Childe's face in between his hands, thumbing over the apple of his cheeks softly. ]

Your generosity is as bottomless as I remember, and believe me when I say I appreciate it wholeheartedly.

But I do not need to be treated like such fragile glass. Ill though I may be, I made the journey here from Liyue, did I not? I came here to make new memories with you, not to add to your list of responsibilities. Which must be quite long considering the opulence of your current station.

[ Zhongli lets out a small chuckle, unbearably fond. ]

For each kindness that you show me, will you allow me to reciprocate one in return? A contract of sorts - but in Snezhnaya we should label them properly as promises, yes?

[ he isn't a kid anymore, and it's funny to think of himself as a kid back then when it was less than a decade ago. Then again, for someone who has silently come to terms with his own mortality, and that there's probably not much left to his life to burn further, that feels like forever ago. Is that just another example of the completely separate worlds they come from? Zhongli doesn't remember, but it doesn't change the facts, either.

But he feels like a kid again when Zhongli holds his face like that, when he sees that fondness and affection that he thought he saw once upon a time back then but realized it had all been his imagination.

He puffs his cheeks out a bit, admittedly not having a good argument to counter with. It's true Zhongli did get here on his own. And he isn't suffering physically for the most part. There's a helpless sigh that escapes him in defeat, but why is he being punished specifically like this? Zhongli didn't come here to make memories, that's just the endearing positive on circumstance.

Why did you come here? Do you remember me only because you hate me, too?

He really can't figure it out.

Still, Childe can't help but prefer whatever farce this is in front of him to his cruel thoughts. Because in the end it really is a farce no matter how real Zhongli now might want this to be. It's a farce because he's missing exactly what confirmed their time together was never realistic in the first place.

( ... but, all right... when has he ever done anything other than continously indulge the other, anyway? That's probably what he's recalling and interpreting as generosity, as well. ) ]

Aha, all right. I can let you reciprocate since you asked so nicely. [ and yet Zhongli remembers stupid subtle unimportant things that he should have forgotten with his mind deteriorating as it is. The idea of contracts and promises and their equal significance is simmering he should have long forgotten or even simply failed to think of in this context. It's not even to do with memory loss so much as almost anyone would fail to bring that up after so long simply because there were such large gaps to fill in with broader, less intimate, and less intricate information. So why does he bring it up so easily like it's something he kept in his thoughts daily? ]

Mhm, you got it. Promises.

[ he wants to just so thinking about this already, but Zhongli keeps hitting the right buttons that it seems like it's out of his control.

I know you would never allow yourself to break a contract, but what promises could you hope to make me that won't be broken when you'll soon forget them all, anyway? ]

Okay okay, as you like, then. I'm listening right now~!

[ Admittedly, it all feels like trying to make amends right now more bthan feasibly create new promises and new memories, even if Zhongli can't remember anything he might want to make amends for. Such nitpicking isn't revealing a big deal in the long run, of course, if it makes Zhongli hap—

...Oh.

(... Did you come here to die on me, Xiansheng? You wouldn't do that to me... ...or would you? ) ]

[ No, dear Childe. Zhongli did not come here to die. Or at least he did not come knowingly.

For all of his mythical dragon and qilin lineage, Zhongli has also inherited many characteristics of a cat. He's fiercely independent and goes where he wants and does what he wants without care for the standards that others live their lives. His ideals and way of life are his own. And like a cat, when his time comes, there is a secluded cave buried within the mountains of Liyue that he we slink to and curl up, never to be seen by mortal eyes again. (Though he does not know this now. It is something only to be known when the last animal instincts within him clamor to be heard.)

The smile he gives Childe is brilliant, no longer a timid hushed thing, as he presses a kiss to the tip of his nose.

It feels right, being here. It feels right, doing this. And it feels right, being affectionate with Childe.

Even with the chill clinging to him like like a shawl draped over his thin frame, Zhongli looks much healthier than he did when he arrived at the Harbinger's office. The cracks have faded to nearly invisible seams. His skin glows with more than just the warmth of the bath. And he leans in mischievously, nose to nose, as if he is imparting a great secret. ]

Excellent.

Then if you are taking care of the next few meals, I must request that I be allowed to cook one for you as well in the next three days. Do your markets get fresh imports from Liyue and Mondstadt?